Don't Talk Dirty
by Grey Fate
Summary: slashy.stupid.I don't know why I'm posting this. Oh well basicly HP ppl discover chatrooms and well... read if you want
1. I don't know what I was thinking

AN: Don't ask just read and if you don't like it I blame the two friends of mine who were supposed to help me write this. Anyways feel free to flame and I'll pass them on to my friends (one of them I know really likes toasty Marshmallows)

Disclaimer: Hell I don't even own this crappy computer!

You Have Now Entered Chat room: DON'T TALK DIRTY

(AN: ya right)

Gaylover: … I'm all alone

Gaylover: Echo echo echo

Depressedfool has entered

Garterqueen has entered

Depressedfool: Hey honey!

Gaylover: I missed you so much sweetie!

Depressedfool: How the hell did you get a computer passed your basterd of a father?

Gaylover: I told him I went to knockturn ally but I'm really in an "internet café."

Depressedfool: …How the hell did you find or even know about "internet cafes"'?

Gaylover: I found it on the internet.

Depressedfool: Well how did you- the internet- for the café- ! Oh forget it…

I'mallergictocheeseballs enters

I'mallergictocheeseballs: _I SHALL KILL YOU ALL YOU STUPID MUGGLES_!

I'mallergictocheeseballs: I mean… hi. Who are you all?

Garterqueen: I'm a mime.

Gaylover: I'll tell you if you tell me.

Depressedfool: I hate you all.

Gaylover: That is NOT what you said last night!

Depressedfool: It was the sex talking

I'mallergictocheeseballs: ….Has anyone named can'tgetitup ever- EVER- been in here?

Depressedfool: How the bloody hells do _you _know that screen name? Who are you anyway?

I'mallergictocheeseballs: I'm not telling you gay freaks and it's none of your sodding business who I am!

Blondeprick enters

(Sees I'mallergictocheeseballs' screen name)

Blondeprick: …

Blondeprick: ………………?

Gaylover: Do I know you?

Blondeprick: …I don't think so.

Lucius'evilbastard enters

Lucius'evilbastard: Lucius! I leave you for _five minutes_… what the hell are you doing on this damned muggle contraption!

Blondeprick: but Sev- it was on and and the buttons were calling to me!

(Five minute pause)

I'mallergictocheeseballs: MALFOY! SNAPE!

Gaylover: FATHER? _PROFESSER_! Oo

Depressedfool: Haha, stupid Slytherins!

Garterqueen: Harry, that wasn't smart.

I'mallergctocheeseballs: The mime is right! Grab your torches and pitchforks!

Can'tgetitup enters

Can'tgetitup: Oh Voldy-poo where are you…?

I'mallergictocheeseballs: Dumbledore? How the bloody hell did you find me!

Icheatedonmybestfirend25 enters

Icheatedonmybestfriend25: Master! You're here! I wanted to tell you something- I found the location of that potter brat!

Depressedfool: …Ya, I'm right here

I'mallergictocheeseballs: Potter! You dare back sass my servant!

Depressedfool: …… yes?

Gaylover: … well this is awkward, the Dark lord, my father, my boyfriend, Dumbledore, my potions professor, a random deatheater, and …… a mime. Why the hell is a mime here!

Depressedfool: And why does it know my name?

Garterqueen: …because I can be? And I plead the fifth!

Lucius'evilbastard: Who the hell are you for Salazar's sake!

Garterqueen: A mime. I go to Hogwarts if that helps, professor.

Gaylover: Why the hell does every Hogwarts student have computer?

Blondeprick: Because that muggle loving fool corrupted all our children! Like my son!

Blondeprick: Speaking of which- DRACO WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE ON A COMPUTER AND _WHY_ IS HARRY POTTER YOUR _BOYFRIEND!_

Gaylover: … um?

Depressedfool: Our sexual relations are none of your business you bloody bastard!

Gaylover: And why are you sodmizing my potions professor!

Blondeprick: You have no proof!

Alwaysinthemiddle enters

Alwaysinthemiddle: Hi Harry! Who are all of these people?

Depressedfool: Go away Ron I hate you.

Alwaysinthemiddle: … But… but we've been best friends for five years!

Gaylover: Go away weasel nobody wants you here.

Alwaysinthemiddle: MALFOY! What- I don't- YOU LITTLE FERRET- YOU CORRUPTED HARRY!

Lucius'evilbastard: Ha, the stupid Gryffindor is a bit slow on the updates.

Depressedfool: That's it I hate you all! I'm going to plan how to get you all killed next year- even the mime!

Depressedfool has left

Gaylover: Harry! Wait!

Gaylover: Now see what you did weasel! I'm out of here!

Gaylover has left

Five10twenty enters

five10twenty: Hello Ronnie, who are all of these people?

can'tgetitup: Mr. Weasley, I thought Ms. Granger as your girlfriend?

Lucius'evilbastard: HA! Someone fooled Dumbledore- congratulations weasel!

Blondeprick: -gasps- Severus you just congratulated a _Gryffindor! _–shocked look-

Lucius'evilbastard: No I didn't.

Garterqueen: I am witness I shall show this to the school and beyond! –maniacal cackling-

I'mallergictocheeseballs: No you won't mime! I shall kill you!

can'tgetitup: Oh Voldy baby, let me get rid of some of that tension for you…

I'mallergictocheeseballs: NO! Stay away from me you ageing prune!

I'mallergictocheeseballs has left

can'tgetitup: oh poo…

Can'tgetitup has left

Alwaysinthemiddle: Now I know why Dumbledor is the only person you-know-who ever feared…

five10twenty: You're so right Ronnie.

Icheatedonmybestfriend25: You shall not talk about my master that way- he is great! Nothing shall stop him! Hahahahahahahahahaha …ow! Stupid broom!

Icheatedonmybestfriend25 has left

Blondeprick: That was odd. Hey Sevvie want to get together and brew some potions hint hint?

Lucius'evilbastard: Thought you'd never ask.

Blondeprick has left

Lucius'evilbastard has left

Alwaysinthemiddle: …ok. That was sickening.

five10twenty: Hey Ron, Hermione and I are at the Leaky Cauldron, you want to come and we'll get a room?

Alwaysinthemiddle: Hell yes!

five10twenty: See ya there, big boy.

Five10twenty has left

Alwaysinthemiddle has left

Randomcrossdresser enters

Randomcrossdresser: Hello? Anyone here?

Garterqueen: Blaise my sweet you have come to me at last!

Randomcrossdresser: _Neville!_

Garterqueen: Yes my love?

Randomcrossdresser: Dude- you're creepy.

Garterqueen: But I _LOVE_ you!

Randomcrossdresser: I don't swing that way man.

Garterqueen: I can't help what is in my heart! We shall ride away into the sunset together! You as my transvestite consort, and I as your talking mime!

Randomcrossdresser: You. Need. Help. I am so gone.

Randomcrossdresser has left

Garterqueen: Wait, my dearest!

Garterqueen has left

You are now leavening Chatroom: DON'T TALK DIRTY

Apu: thank you! Come again!

AN: Flame for all I care! It's crap anyways. Oh please review so I have something else to do besides trying to write these things.

Another disclaimer: Yes, the collective minds of the authors' are well below normal intelligence levels. We feel that this story reflects this, and our readers have the right to test themselves for the ever contagious insanity that we share.

The wonders of an IB education…


	2. There might be a plot but I lost it

AN: damn I'm actually posting this. I really put off the typing. Oh well I'll blame school and my brother because everything is his fault (I'm the good child). Any ways the co authors of this story have been bugging me to post it forever so I'm finally doing it. Sry lady of the night and bird lady I don't think it was just Canada. I say blame IB and total laziness. Now on with the psychotic fic.

Disclaimer: seriously anyone who reads ff has got to know the routine by now. I don't own jack squat and I'm not saying it again!

**You have now entered Chat room: DON'T TALK DIRTY**

I'mallergictocheeseballs has entered

I'mallergictocheeseballs: Where the hell is Wormtail! I told him to be here 5 minutes ago!

Icheatedonmybestfriend25 has entered

Icheatedonmybestfriend25: My lord I am sorry I am late…

I'mallergictocheeseballs: Don't grovel, I will punish you later. Now have you found that mime yet?

Icheatedonmybestfriend25: N-n-no my lord, but I managed to capture Harry Potter...

Depressedfool has entered

Depressedfool: Tom your dungeons are very boring and rather dreary. Have you ever considered capturing an interior decorator? It might improve your mood sometimes.

I'mallergictocheeseballs: POTTER! You insolent brat! I do all my own interior

decorating and the dungeons are one of my best works!

Depressedfool: I shudder to imagine your worst work.

Gaylover has entered

Gaylover: Harry! Where did you go last night? I woke up and you weren't there…

Depressedfool: Sorry, love. I decided to go for a walk and got… side tracked…

Gaylover: _By what!_

Depressedfool: Quidditch.

Gaylover: OK. I understand. You can make it up to me at the world cup tonight anyways!

Depressedfool: I'm sorry Draco baby, but I'm currently stuck in one of Tommy boy's badly decorated dungeon cells. I can't make it. - tear drop -

I'mallergictocheeseballs: Potter! I have told you not to call me that and my cells are pretty. Now I have to torture you extra sadistically… I won't have time to torture Wormtail…

Gaylover: Lovely, how is it that you have a computer when you're being held captive by the oh so great Lord Moldyshorts?

Depressedfool: Well you see, luv, I get quite bored very easily, so I thought a computer would… relieve my boredom.

Gaylover: And…?

Depressedfool: I apperated to my bedroom got my laptop, and apparated back to the cell Tommy boy has generously given me. The right one too! It has the lovely moss green shag carpet and everything…

Garterqueen has entered

Garterqueen: I seem to have trapped myself in an invisible box.

Depressedfool: At least your box has the potential to be beautiful. I'm in a gods ugly cell in the dungeons of a renowned mass murderer who wishes to kill off everyone I love. Draco I'm afraid I can't see you anymore. It's too dangerous, you'll die and I won't be able to sleep with you anymore. And it would be all my fault. Just like what happened in California…I hate my life!- goes and cries on hideous moss green shag carpet-

Gaylover: If you break it off with me I'll cut off your ahem and then you'll never sleep with anyone, ever! What exactly happened in California? Oo

Garterqueen: Lovers quarrel? I've experienced those before, but then we got this great Tantric book and made up. -sighs-

Gaylover: Who in their right mind would become a mime's lover? No offense…

Depressedfool: Draco! Insulting mimes is incredibly rude. I'll have to punish you.

I'mallergictocheeseballs: WORMTAIL! SIEZE THE MIME, DANMIT!

Icheatedonmybestfriend25 has left the room

I'mallergictocheeseballs: DAMN YOU, PETTIGREW!

Depressedfool: Well someone's going to be castrated.

I'mallergictocheeseballs: Oh, I like your thinking Potter!

Gaylover: And he's cute. What else could a guy want?

Garterqueen: I want my Blaisey back!

(2 minute period of inactivity)

I'mallergictocheeseballs has left the room

Depressedfool: Are any of you going to at least attempt to rescue me anytime today?

Gaylover: When father leaves for Snape's, I'll get over there.

Garterqueen: That's still very creepy. –twitch-

Gaylover: It's not your father, or head of house, mimey!

Depressedfool: 'mimey', love? Are you okay?

Gaylover: Perfectly peachy, and so are my man-whores!

Gaylover: I mean…. Crabbe and Goyle are over.

Garterqueen: Ha, blondie's in trouble, blondie's in trouble!

Depressedfool: The talking mime is right, sweet. I'm afraid we'll have a spat when, and/or after someone bloody well _gets me the heck out of here!_

Gaylover: You're jealous of Crabb and Goyle, luv? Besides I think I have right since you won't tell me about California.

Depressedfool: Jealous and extremely pissed off are two very different things, Dray. California is not part of this conversation!

Blondprick has entered

Blondprick: Draco, have you been in contact with your godfather at all today?

Gaylover: No, father. I thought he was with you for this week.

Depressedfool: Mr. Malfoy sir, why are you looking for Snape?

Gaylover: Shush, Harry!

Blondprick: Shut up, Potter. But I seemed to have misplaced him.

Gaylover: How the hell did you lose prof. Snape?

Blondprick: I wish I knew… Well I'm off to find my bitch. No screwing while I'm gone, Draco.

Gaylover: Yes, father.

Blondprick has left the room

Garterqueen: Well, that was unusual.

Depressedfool: I'm afraid I must agree with the mime, Dray. And now that your father has left…GET ME OUT OF THIS HORRIDLY DECORATED CELL!

Gaylover: I don't think I will, actually.

Depressedfool: I'll go crazy in this cell. I'll kill myself. I probably deserve it anyways. I've killed so many people. What would it matter?

Gaylover: If you're dead I won't do you. I'm pretty sure that's illegal anyways.

Depressedfool: Only in California, dearie.

Gaylover: How would you know?

Depressedfool: Um…

Depressedfool has left the room

Gaylover: I think that's scary.

Garterqueen: Santa has a present for all the naughty boys and girls and mimes. It's the lump in his pocket.

Gaylover: That is so wrong.

Gaylover has left the room

Garterqueen: Oh poo, everyone's gone. Oh well, maybe I can get Randomcrossdresser to play 'North Pole' with me.

Garterqueen has left the room

You Are Now Leaving Chatroom: 'Don't Talk Dirty'

Igo: One door enters a man one door enters a woman…

GF: I defiantly tuned in to that conversation at the wrong time.

AN: Well that was interesting… I guess we can't blame Canadia anymore. To the people that read this- shoot me now. Do you two freaks have anything to add to this?

Bird: You are not, I repeat NOT a moronic genius. You have no –genius- genes in you whatsoever! Go amuse yourself by burning down a church before your twisted logic gives me a headache.

AN: I still can't find a flamethrower and I have bigger targets than a mere church. Lady of the night I going to assume you are dead and post this. If I'm wrong please inform me so I may correct this. I may not have a flamethrower yet but there are other ways. Many other ways indeed…


End file.
